i dont know why i oversleep so much. almost everyday i sleep 10-12 hours, sometimes its even exceeded that. i dont know why im like this and i always feel better when i dont oversleep. i dont think ive ever had a normal sleep schedule in my whole life, even as a child it was erratic and i recall staying up all night for the first time when i was seven or eight (i was playing Tales Runner.)

i cleaned out my closet and ended up throwing some stuff away and setting some stuff aside to give to goodwill this week. nothing was particularly valuable enough to be put on ebay over being donated, honestly. i was kinda sad because i found a cute homura figure but her glasses were lost (i remember my cat knocked them off and i never was able to find them) and the white base is horribly yellowed because i was dumb and didnt know you shouldnt put pale-colored plastics by your window. oops. i dont know whether to trash it, keep it, or if somebody would want it... maybe i could make a small replacement for the glasses out of paper or something? lmao, it would definitely look awful.

in the closet i also found a bunch of old needle felting tools. so i made a small dankovsky doll thing. i like how i did his hair... but i think i prefer sculpting clay over needlefelting because needlefelting f*cking hurts my wrist so bad after a while. even now my wrist is aching...!!!

i like reading about obscure things in japanese culture... stuff thats hard to find anything about in english and you have to translate japanese pages to understand anything about it. it makes me want to continue learning japanese but my issue is that my interest in japanese culture wanes so much that i struggle to stay motivated. sometimes i go months without caring about these sort of things. (ᴗ_ ᴗ )

the year is nearly over and i feel empty. i feel like i improved myself so much this year, but at the same time nothing has changed at all. i know change is gradual but...

todays thanksgiving! today im thinking of things im thankful for...

im thankful that my life is pretty easy. my housing is stable, i always have food and i dont have to work myself to death to survive. its sad to think about, but thats better living than the majority of people. ive lived that way myself before and im grateful for every day that isnt spent slaving away for 11 dollars an hour.

im thankful that i dont have to drive a lot. i do drive but its never for hours on ends. i seriously hate driving so much its not even funny... the only thing im jealous of when it comes to city dwellers and euros is that they can walk to places. literally impossible here lmao. but my point is if i had to do an hour long commute every day i think id go apeshit!! im so glad i dont have to... (for now.)

im thankful for my grandmother's health, after a health crisis and an extremely invasive surgery she had to live with my family for around eight months in which i was her primary caretaker. i love my grandma, but id be lying if i said it wasnt a miserable process. of course i tried my best to not show it because i dont want her to feel like a burden. she wasnt, btw. it was just... difficult. im grateful that she can live independently and isnt greatly impaired anymore.

im thankful for finding neocities this year. truly, joining this community has done wonders for me. although im aware that i dont actually... participate in the "community" aspect much, hahah. but still, for the first time in a long time i feel like im visible online. every kind message- even if i dont reply, means so much to me. being free from the emotional drain of social media feels so good. i feel so much mentally healthier.

im grateful for my choice to live my life how i please and that im so much happier for that.

im grateful for everyday that i learn to love and accept myself a little more.

im grateful for you, for choosing to read a random persons personal thoughts.

im grateful to myself, for making the choice to not give up.

and lastly... i guess id say im thankful that i have so much to be thankful for. :)

sharing some of my brushes in sai2 that ive edited. they all use the scatter brush as the base.

Oekaki Reproduction

do you miss how the brushes on old oekaki boards worked? yeah... me too... the closest i've been able to find is the brush in AZpainter (this artist does awesome work using it). its an ok painting program but is super outdated at this point and not really sustainable for daily use- for me atleast. thankfully, i was able to figure out how to make a nearly identical version in sai2, try it out for yourself... if you dare...

these next brushes use the "choral block" texture from here (tumblr link).

Solid

this is just a basic brush but with a slight blocky shape and crispiness to it. i like it for lineart and wherever i want some sharpness.

Celebrate

just a silly brush that makes a bunch of confetti. you can also turn off the color jitter and/or change the texture to make all sorts of different effects.

Light

textured and blocky brush, great for nature drawings, shading... pretty much everything. super versatile. especially good for when you want to do a "light coming through trees" effect.

notice

please make sure the color settings are set to this, or the brush will have jitter effects...!!!