started college again so im no longer a NEET. does it count as "NEET" if it only lasted like a month? i dont really enjoy the classes but atleast theyre easy so far. ive been struggling with like... OCD-esque thought patterns. i think the isolation is fucking with me. but after this week i feel a little better, going outside really helps when youre feeling bad. as much as i dislike being a rural bumfuck hick, the nature is really nice. its beautiful and serene here.

i know that one day, for the sake of having a "real" life, i need to move. i just hope its somewhere as peaceful as this... when i feel restless i like to just sit outside and appreciate the serenity. theres a lot of rabbits and beautiful birds near where i live and sometimes i get my binoculars and just stare at them lol. i feel like i probably look creepy, guess thats one advantage of being a girl. a guy with binoculars in a neighborhood would probably get the cops called...

im gonna cry and complain now.

i dont want to go into a lot of detail, but my family doesnt treat me amazingly. well- it feels wrong to say that, because they provide for me in every way that i need to stay safe, healthy, and alive. but emotionally.. its always been lacking. i dont have a mom in my life so i hurt a lot from that. the main problem with my dad's side is that im always excluded from things. im not prioritized any other day besides my birthday. my dad's wife is allowed to have as many dogs as she wants, but i cant have a single cat. my dad and his wife go on vacations together multiple times a year and im never included. literally ever.

i havent gone on a single trip, in or outside of the state since i was eighteen. so- over five years now of sitting in my room doing nothing all year. the sad thing is my family isnt even financially struggling and they have plenty of off-days from work so theres really no reason we couldnt do these things. i tell them i feel this way and nothing changes. this whole thing leads to me feeling so dejected and pathetic. i see my friends go on fun trips with their family and partners and i just cant help but feel jealous. i hate feeling jealous. i hate that i have a lack and that lack results in me feeling a way that feels so spiteful, pathetic, and weak.

i dont want to hear about others happiness and think "why dont i get to have that too?" i dont like having a dysfunctional family. i dont like living in an area where i feel totally alone and misunderstood. but its how it is and i cant do anything about these things right now except cope and keep coping. its hard. its really difficult, and i dont know what to do. i am blessed to have one real life friend but ever since she got a boyfriend it feels like we never do anything together anymore. its maybe three times a year. the feeling of being nobody's favorite or priority is painful.

the worst is that it seems like others aquire these things naturally and effortlessly. other people naturally have loving families and social circles just by existing and i dont. i know this isnt true in reality but i cant help but think this way. its funny- because ninety-nine percent of the time this doesnt bother me. my whole life the loneliness has felt natural and safe to me. but that one percent of the time it feels like the safety ive built crumbles ontop of me and crushes me. is this really even living? am i alive? people tell me its okay to live the way i do, but is it really? i dont know. i dont know...

i dont know if anybody will bother reading all this, but i feel a little better writing it out. it'd be nice to have a therapist i could say this stuff to instead... maybe something to consider. i hope i'll have nicer things to write next time. i just need to keep remembering that im working on this- working on myself, my degree, my skills. i wont give up on myself.